Poppers

Poppers


B says he doesn’t 
believe in true love.
I say shut up
and get us a drink
before I kill you.  
Inhale. Okay.
What do you want, he asks.
True love, I tell him 
(and inhale again
this time longer
so I feel super fucked). 
B thinks it’s insane
I’m a romantic
but it’s also why
he hangs out with me
all the time. He’s bi.
We’re at 169 Bar 
in the bathroom
and there’s no mirror 
and I hate it
but the night feels good.
We’ve been in 
bathrooms like this 
a million times.
We know how to move 
around each other
and navigate 
shit spaces because 
this is New York. 
And November. 
And nothing 
like I imagined at all. 
When B leaves 
the bathroom
I stand there
a little light-headed
thinking of what to do
with the rest of my life. 
The job of a poet 
is to chase a feeling. 
The job of a poet today
has become kissing ass.
And I never liked ass. 
I’m more of a dick guy,
actually. More of
a faggot and clearly
a poet and real poets
(Emily Dickinson
once said) don’t kiss ass.
That’s the thing, I tell B
when I stand next to him
at the bar a minute later.
People who are cynical
are just afraid of being happy.
Are you happy, he asks me.
I’m not, I tell him.
But I’m willing to chase it
the same way I’m willing 
to chase dick or poetry
(forever and like 
nothing could stop me
not even kissing ass).
So shut up then, he says.
And go chase it.
We kiss. I pull on his belt.
The bartender looks at us
in a sort of hot way.
Yeah okay, I say,
and take the bottle 
from his fist.
We go outside
where everything 
good is and I tell him
the outside has always
been better than the inside
for fags. Happiness
isn’t within. Poetry
is not a self-help book. 
Fuck the self. And fuck help.
None of these married people
are happy. Yeah, B says.
Fuck it all. And let’s
get fucked somehow. 
For sure, I nod.
And give him back the bottle.
He opens Grindr. 
Someone across the street
throws up. It’s the Aries 
new moon and I’m 
going to change 
my entire life. 
Who’s gonna stop me.
But before that 
we smoke a cigarette 
and I stare at B’s jaw
and we go in to drink.