NYC Diary #22
9:34 a.m. Being sick alone is awful. But it always (like anything done alone) brings out the warrior in me.
I’m an only child. I tell my friend C (who is just like me but not an only child) that I wish people wouldn’t always count on our toughness as a measure of how okay we will be no matter what.
But that’s what happens. That’s life. People think strong people are infinitely strong. And with the men I’ve dated, they have always resented seeing me less strong, or in need, precisely because they know how strong I can be.
It’s their loss. I’m human. Duh.
3:11 p.m. I look at a lot of famous photos from the 90s. Mostly because my mood has been mid to late 90s. Mostly because I’ve grown out my hair and sort of changed some style things.
I’ve added this black cargo pant from John Elliott that speaks to 1998 me. When I used to wear those large raver pants in neon orange just for attention. I didn’t actually rave. I wanted to. But I didn’t have many friends growing up. It was kind of like this Frank O’Hara poem.
When I was a child
I played by myself in a
corner of the schoolyard
I hated dolls and I
hated games, animals were
not friendly and birds
If anyone was looking
for me I hid behind a
tree and cried out “I am
And here I am, the
center of all beauty!
writing these poems!
Except the only living things that got me were actually animals and very little kids (like not able to speak little kids). There was a kindness to both.
Someone asked me if I wanted to have kids the other day and I paused and they said, if you pause, you do. I would only adopt one child (1) if I become really rich and give them everything they wanted. Which I never got. Which probably would make me a terrible parent. Because I love spoiling people. Like when I have boyfriends I buy them gifts all the time.
Anyway. From that to sex.
I look at tons of Steven Meisel photos. Mostly from Madonna’s SEX book. Shot in Miami and NYC. 1992.
I am going to channel this energy this year. Gorgeous. Seductive. Glamorous. Brave. Vulnerable. Powerful. Everything.